Sometimes you can't help how you feel....

I apologize for this post... It's probably going to upset people and I'm sorry but this is where I can type out my feelings... 

So if you feel like this may be too much for you to read then skip this post...

Recently, I have been experiencing so many emotions and yet not the ones one would normally have...

 I feel like the only one in this... that is not having the normal feelings...

Does that make me a bad person?

Does that make me selfish?

Is there really a right way one should feel?

My ex overdosed and died... but as many of you are reading that you are probably feeling sad... some were shocked... and some blamed themselves...

In that moment of hearing that news.....I felt relieved....

Now some of you are probably looking at that thinking wow cold hearted much? 

What's her problem?

That's terrible...

Yeah... It is...

It is sad that addiction can get that bad... I hate it... I hate that there are things in this world that can control people enough that they don't live life...

Now not that I need to explain myself... I'm going to...

He was a life altering event in my life... 

I left my home... 

I left my family...

I became someone I wasn't.. 

I tried so hard for his approval everyday to get shot down... unless it was a random kinda day...

He used me... He abused me... He lied to me... He lied about me...

He was the biggest bullshitter I have ever met in my life...

There were way more Bad days then good...

I can honestly remember only 4 good days with him and I was around him for 2 years...

Yet... all the messages and calls I have received and seen from the people of the past... all say... 

I'm so sorry Are you Okay?

Are you Okay?

I have been more then OKAY... for 5 years now...

I LEFT!

I'm married to the guy that my parents always taught me was the kind you go for.

 The one that will treat you with the respect you deserve.  

If anything it made me realize even more how amazing of a life I have...

That him working late or working on his truck that his hobby kind of thing really isn't as bad as I had it once before...

I got my fairy tale life!

So does that make me selfish for being grateful for where I am in life now?

Reading all the messages though...

 Great guy...

Would do anything for anyone...

always there for you...

I read them wondering who they were talking about....

That is not the guy I was with. 

Yet.. I feel bad for letting it get to me and bother me....

But I needed to let it out!

I am sorry he never got it together and fell deeper into using... I am sorry that that is how he chose to deal with his problems...

He isn't and hasn't been my problem for a while now...

I saw how addiction takes over and I don't wish that on anyone and really wish for it all to go away.

It not only hurts the user... it hurts all that were involved...

I may not be hurting now...

I hurt back then...

I learned from it though...

That it's not something I want to be around... that I want to try...nothing that I want for anyone.

I'm sorry that I bashed him and it's a lot of stuff that I have kept from people because there was no point in talking about it...

The past is the past for a reason...

This just opened a lot of wounds and I don't care to open any more...

I am at peace with my life...

It was a harsh stepping stone in life but if it didn't happen...

I wouldn't be where I am today...

So.. Take a look around you are you where you want to be in life?

If you are Congrats and enjoy it!

If not... well Run.. change.. take the risk!

Thank you for reading and I'm sorry to have caused issues with anyone...

It is what it is...

<3 Ashley